Some Fascinating Questions on Welcoming New People

I don't know how many of you read the comments when you're on a blog, but I didn't want you to miss this one. I wish every church leader could read this comment.

This is from Linda, who started attending one of our campuses a few months ago.  She is brand new to church.  The question she's struggling with is why she's not sure she fits in yet. The metaphor she uses to describe her experience is a perspective I honestly have never heard before.  Here are her words, which she wrote in response to my post earlier this week:

I've been trying to think how I can explain why I still feel a bit out of place going to church. I understand that people who have attended church on and off all their lives wouldn't (couldn't) understand what it's like for someone who has never been. So here's the best way I can explain it.

You get invited to a party with friend. You don't know the host of the party, but your friend has a close, personal relationship with him, and they said everyone is welcome. So you go, not knowing what to expect, and not knowing the host.

What you find is amazing, welcoming people, a great environment to meet new people that is not intimidating and info about how to meet the host. However, you still haven't met the host of the party. That makes you feel a bit uncomfortable, because you're still not sure what he's like.

So the next week, the same host has a party, and you go back. Week after week this happens. But you still haven't really, truly met the host. Yet, everyone else at the party has such an amazing and loving relationship with him. You would love to have the same relationship, but are still unsure how to meet him.

If you read her entire comment, you'll see more layers to it. She's loving our Sundays but not quite ready for community group.  Maybe we need a step (like Starting Point) for people like Linda (hope to begin offering that in the next 12 months). 

But here are two thoughts that are in my head as I process this:

• Over the summer, I feel I have been as clear as I've ever been about salvation and how to begin a relationship with Jesus, the host (plus we ran Simple by Andy Stanley in July - an unbelievable explanation of what it is to be a follower of Jesus).  I'm not sure I currently know how to be clearer on how to have a relationship with Jesus.  Question: do our metaphors for relationship with Jesus work anymore, or do we need new ways of communicating how to enter a relationship with Jesus Christ? Are we preachers still using a language that primarily speaks to the already convinced?
  

• Is there some way our Sunday community could better come around folks like Linda to help answer her questions?  Are we either a) too hesitant to have spiritual conversations in our foyers or b) too over-the-top when we do (every knee bowed, every eye closed...you are going to give your life to Jesus...:0))

How does Linda's metaphor make you think in fresh ways?  Do we need new ways of talking about faith with people who are new?  What would they be?  How can the gathering community play a more helpful role?

Fire away. I'm all ears.

Comments

[Amanda]

I found the best way to get to know the "Host" is by writing a Thank You card (prayer). If you want to get to know the Host, start talking to Him. Next, Invite him over to your place (Pray, and Invite the Holy Sprit into your heart) Let Him know you really what to get to know Him. You can only get to know the Host by having conservations with Him. One or two is not going to cut it. You don’t get to know someone in a few minutes, but by talking to them often, even daily. Ask him to prove He is real, He will, He promises us in his Invention (Bible). I believe something is already starting to happen for this to stir inside Linda enough to write the letter. It would be helpful for her to be able to connect with others. Starting Point would be an awesome idea, because I’m sure Linda’s not the only one.

[Chris from Canada]

Wow - what an incredibly insightful and honest comment. I wish there was more feedback like that from people who gave us genuine feelings about what was going on in their hearts and mind when they're here on Sunday morning.

The biggest thing for me is to remember that it is about the HOST and not the PARTY. Church is about Jesus and not about church. So we gather and we worship and we open God's word and we pray and we encourage one another not for the sake of doing those things but for the sake of Christ and for His kingdom.

The fact that Linda recognizes that people at the party have an amazing relationship with the host is an awesome thing but if the spectacle of the party overtakes the personality of the host then we've lost track. (And I'm not saying that is happening in this case, for the record. I know it's not.)

But..

We ARE instructed in scripture to gather, to sing, to pray, to encourage one another with the purpose of building each other up and glorifying God.

Col 3:16-17 "Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."

The hesitance for me in all of this is that sometimes there is pressure for the attenders at the party to take the place of the host - if we just live lives that are good enough, show everyone that Christians can have fun too then people will see Jesus in us and want to follow Him. Of course we know that there is no good thing in any of us and that by trying to be "the only Jesus they may ever see" we quickly fall in to traps of pride, guilt, shame and legalism - that sure does not sound like the kind of party I want to be a part of! It also does not sound like the host of the party who is the only one we can call "good."

So can we ever live lives that are "good enough" to be worthy of the name of the Lord Jesus (as we're pointed to in v.17)? No, clearly not. So I think we need to be honest with each other about our brokenness, our dependence on God, our need for Him to be our refuge and our strength. Sometimes the party needs to be more like a funeral with a happy ending! :) We need to give time for contemplation, reflection, lament - things we rarely want to do in our time on Sunday morning because we are trying so hard to convince people that if we all look happy together then those we have invited to the party will think that Jesus can take care of all of our problems. And He CAN - and He DOES! - but that doesn't mean we don't continue to walk in a broken, sinful world that has enough trouble for today.

But..

(Can you tell you've got me going on this one, Carey?!?)

That doesn't mean we throw a pity party on Sunday morning. We DO have a Saviour and a King who is to be praised. We DO have a God who is our redeemer, our sustainer, our strength and we need to take our eyes off of the things that we continue to complain about 6 days of the week and we must lift our eyes to heaven. We need to remember that our days here are not about us but about God and what He is accomplishing through us - part of that includes bringing new people to the party and introducing them to the host. And because our host is GREAT at throwing parties (I remember something about bringing some good wine or something!) then He has the right to expect the parties to be fun, engaging, memorable and the talk of the town the next day, as long as it's being done "in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."

[Rebekah]

Wow. Powerful comment, and an interesting way of viewing it. I think we (preachers) often do use language that isn't helpful to the unbeliever (it's a hard habit to break, and I'm not there yet). I think we need to do everything in our power to ensure that Sunday worship creates space for people like Linda to encounter our Host (what a great metaphor!!!). But sometimes we also need to give someone like Linda space. Maybe the Host isn't read to show Himself to her yet, because maybe she isn't ready to meet Him.

I remember saying once to my father (um, my earthly father) - "I don't expect I'll ever lead anyone to faith in Jesus, because in the end - that's the Holy Spirit's job. But I sure want to be there on the front lines when it happens."

I think our 'job' as church leaders is to make the front lines as available to anyone who wants to venture forth, as possible.

I think the most helpful role the community of believers can play is one to be authentic party-goers. We should reflect joy in the relationship we have with the Host, but also be able to articulate that in the midst of that joy we are still broken, still imperfect.

Thanks for sharing Linda's comment, Carey.

Cheers,
R.

[Pat]

Possibly the language of "relationship" is what is getting in the way? Evangelicals tend to use relationship as the metaphorical language to describe the dynamic between God and humans, but that may not be the only metaphor to use. We get hung up on starting a "personal relationship", which we all know isn't a phrase found in the bible. What types of phrases are used in the bible? What other cultural ideas today reflect what is said in the bible? As far as I can see, people like Paul talked about Jesus more as a teacher or rabbi than a friend (not to say they didn't experience friendship). In today's culture where "spiritual guidance" is highly sought after, maybe that's a good way to frame the message (I know you've done a series on Eastern religions, but maybe there's something else there).

Just a thought.

[Laurie]

Linda - I've been to parties (and church) like you are describing. What I struggled with was the separation and loneliness I felt in the midst of "company". Being lonely in a crowd is hard. Keep coming for God will surely touch your heart, probably when you least expect it and the touch you receive will be unmistakeable. It will make you laugh or maybe cry. I cried - for weeks. He is the healer of our loneliness - and so much more over time.

[Anne Stirtan]

Hi...I would so much appreciate a 'starting point' and would be in line right behind Linda if one were created. I have not joined a small group as I am out of the country for many months of the year. I feel not attending these groups, once you have joined, seems unfair to the others in the group. This is not to say I have not thought about joining a group....I have, many times.

Having a 'starting point' would help me cross a chasm that I do not have the confidence to cross by myself. The 'starting point' would help me feel more a part of the party and help me know The Host a little better.

Anne

[Laurie]

I had a thought leaving Connexus today, after hearing how unforgiveness can consume us, that how many times do we reach for food when what we should be reaching for is God - to better understand our frustrations, our anger and disappointment, to find comfort in him when we can't seem to find in those around us. Maybe with his understanding we can start to learn the forgiveness he wants to teach us.

[Carey Nieuwhof]

Anne and Laurie...Thanks for the posts. Sounds like a Starting Point experience would be great. We'll take that seriously. Sometimes it honestly feels like we're doing all we can to what we do week after week, but we need to keep expanding our horizons too. Thank you.

Laurie...bang on. What if we were actually paralleling Jesus for 40 days and had no food or water? Wonder where our hearts would move then? Great thoughts.

[june]

It sounds like Linda is asking someone at the party to introduce her to the Host, so she can have a personal relationship herself. Perhaps we the church, could have people who are willing to pray with individuals right on the spot so that they will experience him just like all the rest. Today is the day of Salvation, Jesus is always ready to meet people wherever they are at. I am sure there are a number of people who would love to be used this way, after an invitation for receiving Jesus has been made.
This story reminds me of a lesson we had to learn in our early days in real estate, when people were giving us all the buying signals, but because they didn't know how to proceed next, we kept showing them more houses, not realizing they were needing us to lead and direct them into the next step, in this case an offer. That's my take on Linda's delemma and perhaps there are others like her as well. I think it is that simple really. That's what I believe.

[june]

PS - I just wanted to point out that God created man in the beginning for fellowship or friendship with him, this has never changed "personal relationship with Christ" is still the highest calling and the best of the best.